Shrinking Violet

I’m like totally suicidal not in the way where I am planning to kill myself but in the way where I really want to. I never can and I never would because I know a lot of people depend on me. Still, I have negative desire to be alive right now and don’t really have any hope or excitement for my future.

I feel like I so often have in the past: Like I wish I could lock myself away in a cabin in the woods and never talk to anyone or see anyone ever again.

Last night at the gym I felt tuckered out after only 3 miles. My goal was to do at least 4, and I’m not in the habit of missing my running goals. I really should be doing around 6 or 7 per day at this point. I felt disappointed, sad, and tired. I had been up since 4:30 am and it was already almost 9 pm and I haven’t been able to run with the flu for weeks. Dejected, I turned the treadmill off and ripped my ear buds out. A heavier man was walking on the treadmill next to me.

“You’re great!” he said, and I turned to say,

“What?”

“You’re great! You didn’t miss a beat. You were flying. You’re totally motivating me!” 

I couldn’t stop smiling. How humbling! How generous. How kind.

I come to vent.

I am on day 12 of the flu. I haven’t been able to work out. I ran a mile 1 day and fainted the next. This. Is. Miserable. I’m going to attempt some yoga tonight despite my gross head/chest situation, sore throat, and light-headedness. I feel so awful and out of shape. All I want to do is get better, and I have no idea how I’m going to rebuild my running foundation quick enough to run my half marathon at the end of February. 

I weigh around 133-135 right now, which is a perfectly acceptable weight especially since I got my boobs back. Not being able to exercise is taking a toll on me emotionally though. Running is so important for my mental health. I really just feel like I’m on the verge of tears at all times right now. I feel over emotional and insecure. I don’t feel fat. When my coworker makes fat jokes just to be an asshole, I calmly say, “I’m not overweight,” because I KNOW I’m not and it’s insulting to everyone to call someone fat in general, let alone if it’s a healthy weight. 

I don’t know what I want for myself. I guess to tone my abs. I wish my legs were smaller. But those are two nitpicky things and I can’t obsess over things like that again. Not being able to work out has also made me kind of crazy about eating. Since I’ve basically just been laying around I’ve been trying to eat as infrequently as possible which is sort of ridiculous. I’m not depriving myself of get-better stuff like Vitamin C, etc, but I’m trying not to overdo it. 

I am deeply unhappy for no reason. I have friends and a job that I like and stuff to do. But I’m still sad and insecure and I’m scared I am going to try to lose weight to fix it. It won’t fix it. I don’t need to get weird again. I don’t need to lose my period or cry when I have to eat 14 calorie cough drops. 

I think I am some type of lonely. I think I feel a little worthless. 

steentobe127 asked: Come baaaccckkk!! I miss your posts! :(

You are the sweetest. You know what? Yeah. I’ll start posting more. And I would love to start reading more of your stuff! Anyone who would like to keep in touch let me know and I will check up on your blog at least once a week and post once a week!

I have a hard time posting here for a number of reasons. I am still kind of focusing on weight loss and definitely focusing on fitness, but I’m trying to get it to be more of a life thing than a day to day thing. I think thinking about it all the time put it in my head so deep. That was the reason why I lost weight in the first place, for sure, but ultimately I want it to be something more natural and something I don’t have to obsess over.

It’s hard with work to be super fit. I have a number of races coming up though and I try to get to November Project whenever I can (a workout group in Boston). I went most days in November. I have a half marathon in February, a stair climb in March, a 5-miler in February, etc. etc.

I also am part of a Boston Brunch Runners group now that runs on Sundays and then gets brunch. So…that’s fun.

In general I feel insecure about my weight right now but I know I’m in a healthy place. This morning I weighed 133 but I don’t think I have as much muscle as I used to. If I stay here forever I won’t be upset but I would like to get more fit. I just want it to last.

I’ve been having my ups and downs since I started work.

I went through weeks of binging and craving and struggling to workout and feeling sick and fat.

I feel good again and I have for about a week. I hope it lasts.

I think a big part of it is my workouts with The November Project. It takes the focus off of working out for vanity and puts it on working out to be a part of something bigger. It takes the pressure off of numbers and puts it on effort. Wake up. Get there. Push yourself. That’s enough.

There is something so healthy, so human, so special about starting your day off by getting fit with a bunch of funny, lively, smiling people. You can talk to anyone there and it’s not weird. It’s almost expected. I’m not the most outgoing person ever, but I feel so comfortable there. Everyone is there to love and care and never to judge. If you wake up and put in the effort to get to November Project, you’re already a badass. Everything you do from there is just bonus badass, though the exceptional are praised and noticed. It’s inspiring. It makes me feel cared about in a big city where I am otherwise nameless. I’m making friends there who I cherish.

I’m pretty grateful. In the past year I have been unhealthy in many different ways. Under-eating, over-exercising, binge-eating. Yesterday, I ran a half-marathon. I  teared up at the beginning of each half I’ve done because I just feel so lucky and proud to be able to run. I get emotional thinking about the fact that I ran from depression into health. I ran from losing myself in consumption into being fairly fit.

It’s just nice to invest time in myself, to feel pretty because I’m healthy instead of pretty because I’m skinny. It’s nice to care about myself and want things for myself. And it’s nice to have a group who actually kinda gives a fuck about me. Or, you know, a “Fuck yeah!”