Shrinking Violet

I’m like totally suicidal not in the way where I am planning to kill myself but in the way...

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 10:01:26 -0500

I’m like totally suicidal not in the way where I am planning to kill myself but in the way where I really want to. I never can and I never would because I know a lot of people depend on me. Still, I have negative desire to be alive right now and don’t really have any hope or excitement for my future.

I feel like I so often have in the past: Like I wish I could lock myself away in a cabin in the woods and never talk to anyone or see anyone ever again.

Last night at the gym I felt tuckered out after only 3 miles. My goal was to do at least 4, and I’m...

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 10:24:16 -0500

Last night at the gym I felt tuckered out after only 3 miles. My goal was to do at least 4, and I’m not in the habit of missing my running goals. I really should be doing around 6 or 7 per day at this point. I felt disappointed, sad, and tired. I had been up since 4:30 am and it was already almost 9 pm and I haven’t been able to run with the flu for weeks. Dejected, I turned the treadmill off and ripped my ear buds out. A heavier man was walking on the treadmill next to me.

“You’re great!” he said, and I turned to say,

“What?”

“You’re great! You didn’t miss a beat. You were flying. You’re totally motivating me!”

I couldn’t stop smiling. How humbling! How generous. How kind.

I come to vent.

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 16:34:49 -0500

I am on day 12 of the flu. I haven’t been able to work out. I ran a mile 1 day and fainted the next. This. Is. Miserable. I’m going to attempt some yoga tonight despite my gross head/chest situation, sore throat, and light-headedness. I feel so awful and out of shape. All I want to do is get better, and I have no idea how I’m going to rebuild my running foundation quick enough to run my half marathon at the end of February.

I weigh around 133-135 right now, which is a perfectly acceptable weight especially since I got my boobs back. Not being able to exercise is taking a toll on me emotionally though. Running is so important for my mental health. I really just feel like I’m on the verge of tears at all times right now. I feel over emotional and insecure. I don’t feel fat. When my coworker makes fat jokes just to be an asshole, I calmly say, “I’m not overweight,” because I KNOW I’m not and it’s insulting to everyone to call someone fat in general, let alone if it’s a healthy weight.

I don’t know what I want for myself. I guess to tone my abs. I wish my legs were smaller. But those are two nitpicky things and I can’t obsess over things like that again. Not being able to work out has also made me kind of crazy about eating. Since I’ve basically just been laying around I’ve been trying to eat as infrequently as possible which is sort of ridiculous. I’m not depriving myself of get-better stuff like Vitamin C, etc, but I’m trying not to overdo it.

I am deeply unhappy for no reason. I have friends and a job that I like and stuff to do. But I’m still sad and insecure and I’m scared I am going to try to lose weight to fix it. It won’t fix it. I don’t need to get weird again. I don’t need to lose my period or cry when I have to eat 14 calorie cough drops.

I think I am some type of lonely. I think I feel a little worthless.

Come baaaccckkk!! I miss your posts! :(

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 10:36:00 -0500

You are the sweetest. You know what? Yeah. I’ll start posting more. And I would love to start reading more of your stuff! Anyone who would like to keep in touch let me know and I will check up on your blog at least once a week and post once a week!

I have a hard time posting here for a number of reasons. I am still kind of focusing on weight loss and definitely focusing on fitness, but I’m trying to get it to be more of a life thing than a day to day thing. I think thinking about it all the time put it in my head so deep. That was the reason why I lost weight in the first place, for sure, but ultimately I want it to be something more natural and something I don’t have to obsess over.

It’s hard with work to be super fit. I have a number of races coming up though and I try to get to November Project whenever I can (a workout group in Boston). I went most days in November. I have a half marathon in February, a stair climb in March, a 5-miler in February, etc. etc.

I also am part of a Boston Brunch Runners group now that runs on Sundays and then gets brunch. So…that’s fun.

In general I feel insecure about my weight right now but I know I’m in a healthy place. This morning I weighed 133 but I don’t think I have as much muscle as I used to. If I stay here forever I won’t be upset but I would like to get more fit. I just want it to last.

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 17:23:37 -0500

I know I never post on here anymore, but I’m doing a run (up stairs) for MS.

If you could throw even $1 my way, I’d sincerely appreciate it.

Miss you all.

Photo

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 14:23:52 -0500

No one has more fun on a Monday morning.

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 09:19:45 -0500

No one has more fun on a Monday morning.

<3

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 16:12:16 -0500

I've been having my ups and downs since I started work.

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 12:06:00 -0500

I went through weeks of binging and craving and struggling to workout and feeling sick and fat.

I feel good again and I have for about a week. I hope it lasts.

I think a big part of it is my workouts with The November Project. It takes the focus off of working out for vanity and puts it on working out to be a part of something bigger. It takes the pressure off of numbers and puts it on effort. Wake up. Get there. Push yourself. That’s enough.

There is something so healthy, so human, so special about starting your day off by getting fit with a bunch of funny, lively, smiling people. You can talk to anyone there and it’s not weird. It’s almost expected. I’m not the most outgoing person ever, but I feel so comfortable there. Everyone is there to love and care and never to judge. If you wake up and put in the effort to get to November Project, you’re already a badass. Everything you do from there is just bonus badass, though the exceptional are praised and noticed. It’s inspiring. It makes me feel cared about in a big city where I am otherwise nameless. I’m making friends there who I cherish.

I’m pretty grateful. In the past year I have been unhealthy in many different ways. Under-eating, over-exercising, binge-eating. Yesterday, I ran a half-marathon. I teared up at the beginning of each half I’ve done because I just feel so lucky and proud to be able to run. I get emotional thinking about the fact that I ran from depression into health. I ran from losing myself in consumption into being fairly fit.

It’s just nice to invest time in myself, to feel pretty because I’m healthy instead of pretty because I’m skinny. It’s nice to care about myself and want things for myself. And it’s nice to have a group who actually kinda gives a fuck about me. Or, you know, a “Fuck yeah!”

Half marathon #2! A time of 1:55:01 (last time I ran 1:45) but...

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 13:48:45 -0500

Half marathon #2! A time of 1:55:01 (last time I ran 1:45) but it was very hilly and I’m not in as good shape so I’m still pretty jazzed. My goal was to be under 2 hours. Done.

The first 6 miles were very much uphill, and so was mile 12 (brutal). I kept thinking of the November Project dude yelling, “You can slow down, but you can’t stop!” Steady, steady, I finished.

timeformetobehappy: Oh my god what no

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 13:39:57 -0500

timeformetobehappy:

Oh my god what no

My workout tribe is weird/strong/awesome.

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 15:18:54 -0400

My workout tribe is weird/strong/awesome.

maplequeef: textpostsrus: let’s play a game called what does gordo from lizzie mcguire look like...

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 10:48:14 -0400

maplequeef:

textpostsrus:

let’s play a game called what does gordo from lizzie mcguire look like now

nevermind

i bet he’s friends with cole sprouse

I’d still hit it.

New haircut. Taking selfies at work like a nerd.

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 14:45:12 -0400

New haircut. Taking selfies at work like a nerd.

Bostonians- Come run/play with us tomorrow evening!

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 15:27:55 -0400

http://november-project.com/the-running-of-the-bowls/

scallawag: commanderspock | shapeandcolour This weekend,...

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 16:29:55 -0400

scallawag:

commanderspock | shapeandcolour

This weekend, activists in Uganda - a country where homosexuality is punishable by death - held their first Pride.

This is the epitome of courage. I have no other words.

Raisins…nature’s candy.

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 17:26:17 -0400

Raisins…nature’s candy.

It's nearly impossible to keep up with this blog

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 17:19:59 -0400

not because I don’t love it/need it/want it but because I can’t be on at work (since most of the posts on my dash are body related and thus NSFW) and my internet at my apartment is almost non-existent. Like, I can look up something on google but it takes minutes. I can IM people. That’s about it.

If you’d like to keep in touch, I’m most frequently on twitter (redbelle19).

Despite running the Harvard stadium stairs this morning in an intense workout, I’m having one of those days where I just want to roll up under my desk and cry (or like, run to the bathroom to cry but pass 3 coworkers and have to pretend to be very involved with my phone so they don’t notice). Nothing bad happened. I just feel ugly and tired and lame and invisible.

This makes me want to:

Eat cupcakes
Drink
Buy things

None of these things are productive and will actually make my situation worse. I tried writing but I’m too distracted. I tried reading but I’m too nauseous. I am probably PMSing but that doesn’t make it any easier to dismiss, you know?

Not my best look but whatever. At least I was getting after it!

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 15:48:18 -0400

Not my best look but whatever. At least I was getting after it!

Sick crew.

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 14:55:42 -0400

Sick crew.